Saturday, May 29, 2010

When Two isn’t Enough...repost

this entry is reposted from the 17 May guest blog at

Picture this: a roomy front porch on a massive log cabin sitting on 25 acres. Situated on the North Carolina side of the Blue Ridge Mountains, the landscape is dominated by various hues of green and dotted by the bright oranges, yellows and deep reds of the towering lilies and roses that surround the porch. A Carolina blue sky laced with white cotton candy clouds and warmed by a lemon ice cream sun hovers above. The silence is broken only by the sound of the shimmering stream gurgling a happy song. It’s nothing short of beautiful, which is why Jeanie and Jayha are lounging on the front porch. Jayha is sipping the nectar of the gods (sweet iced tea) and Jeanie is drinking an ice cold Coca-Cola™ as they enjoy the warm day that is about to come to a close and allow night to have its turn. [Yeah, we know neither of us has that kind of money but this is our fantasy and our blog for today so just go with it].

“How was your day, Momma?”
“All good, Bambina,” Jayha answered with a sigh.
The sigh might’ve been quiet, but Jeanie heard it just the same. “Why the sigh, Momma?”
Sinking deeper into her seat, Jayha took a long pull of her tea before answering. “I was reading a lot today.”
“Which is normal for a writer,” Jeanie said in an attempt to insert some humor into the conversation.
Of course, Jayha simply smiled indulgently at Jeanie. “Uh huh, but it just felt like I was stuck in a bad version of “Groundhog Day” reading the same thing over and over again…almost like I could auto-populate the stories. It was pages and pages of the same damn thing just different characters, different places, different authors.”
“I know what you mean, Momma.”
“It’s like the industry got together and handed out a book of storylines that they expect every book to fall into. The secretary and her boss, the city girl and the country boy, the older man and the young girl. The only thing that seems to change is small tweaks here and there.”
“You don’t like the tweaks?” Jeanie asked.
“Depends. The tweaks make it interesting but it’s not the tweaks that bother me so much as the relentlessness with which the industry pursues the hot new storyline. And what bothers me more than that is that elusive “Keeper of the Storyline” who snuffs out deviations that haven’t been pre-approved in order to be true to what LA and NY have certified as “hot.”
“What storylines specifically are getting you all hot up under the collar?”
Jayha took her time answering. “It seems that the industry is suddenly being flooded with stories involving women and multiple partners.”
Having also noticed the increase in ménage and ‘group’ stories in the industry, Jeanie nodded.
“I wonder if women are really into that kind of thing or if someone decided that that’s what women are into?”
“It’s mostly just fantasy,” Jeanie said.
“True but whose fantasy is it? Do women really want more than one man in their bed at once?”
“Good point, one man is usually messy enough,” Jeanie said tongue-in-cheek.
“Tell it,” Jayha laughed as she took another sip of tea.
“Although there is something to be said for two men who are all about pleasuring one woman…” Jeanie continued.
“Or three men,” Jayha said as she lapsed into a smile.
Jeanie knew that smile. She bet her momma had retreated to her warm, safe place where three men stood to do her bidding. Jeanie bet every man was dressed in a medley of ninja and highlander gear…as they flitted around her industrial-size kitchen and cooked and baked.
“Stop it, Momma” Jeanie said with a grin.
Jayha gave her a faux innocent look complete with fluttering eyelashes.
Jeanie rolled her eyes, “Momma, I know what you’re doing.”
“You do not.”
“Yes I do,” Jeanie sing-songed teasingly. “I’m betting there is some cooking going on by some ninjas and highlanders.”
“Oh, you hush. It’s not my fault that the kilt-wearing, ninja chefs want to defend my honor and cook for me 24/7,” Jayha said with a toss of her shoulder length Senegalese twists.
“Your ‘honor’? Did you actually say your ‘honor’?” Jeanie laughed loudly.
“Would someone like some restriction?” Jayha threatened.
“Only if I get to play with two dudes that talk to me about how they’re going to drink Coca-Cola off of me,” Jeanie said smartly.
Jayha shook her head. “You and your Coca-Cola fetish.”
Jeanie laughed again, “Yeah, and you and your ninja/highlander chef fetish.”
“As far as fetishes go, it’s a good fetish to have. Still, I wonder how many is too many?” Jayha wondered.
“I thought you had a harem of ninja/highlander chefs?” Jeanie asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Ninja/highlander/cowboy chefs,” Jayha corrected. “And I do…but I only want them for their cooking prowess.”
“So if five dudes wearing kilts, cowboy hats and Tims wearing swords rocked your world with their food you wouldn’t be inclined to ‘reward’ them?” Jeanie asked with waggle of her eyebrows.
“Of course I’d reward them…but not all at once. Plus, if they’re feeding me like they should, I’d only have time to rock two of their worlds at the most before the ‘Itis’ set in.”
“I agree five is like three too many,” Jeanie said.
“In bed but not anywhere else. I could totally handle five guys catering to my every whim. You know one to hold my sweet tea, another two to fan me with palm leaves. One to hold my plate of cheesecake, and another to sit at my feet and fawn over my greatness.”
“You’re a demanding something,” Jeanie said “although the other three could stand around and take notes on how to please me.”
“Yes, but being that I went to Shara’s School of Benevolent Despoting, I now know how to be benevolent. As such, I’d allow them to reward themselves by giving me a full body massage so I could be in peak condition to flip back and forth between all of the ESPN channels and the NFL network.”
“Oh, that’s mighty nice of you,” Jeanie said.
“I know, right? Of course, this is all hypothetical being that in real life I can see Mr. Me getting a little pissy about that kind of thing.”
“A ‘little’ pissy?” Jeanie asked.
“Yeah, a ‘little.’ You know how men are. Still, it would be nice to have those five men in my kitchen seducing me with their big…tempting…dishes,” Jayha sighed.
Jeanie shook her head in wonder as she heard her Momma’s wistful words. Five men in bed was three too many. And though they joked, she couldn’t help but wonder right along with her momma if that many partners at once was the secret fantasy of women…or was it simply the perverted dream of some faceless man/woman in a penthouse who loved money as much as he/she hated women.

—Jeanie and Jayha